Have you ever ignored how you felt because you wanted to stay close to someone? Maybe you were hurt, but you convinced yourself it wasn’t a big deal? Or something made you uncomfortable, but you pushed the feeling aside because you didn’t want to create conflict? Or maybe you knew deep down that a situation wasn’t right for you, but you wanted to stay so badly that you tried to silence the part of yourself that knew something needed to change?
Sometimes, we ignore our feelings because we believe doing so will make things easier. We think that if we can just push the discomfort away, we can preserve the relationship, keep the peace, or remain in a situation we don’t want to lose. But what happens when the cost of staying is disconnecting us from ourselves?
When we repeatedly ignore our feelings to remain close to someone or something, we aren’t simply setting our emotions aside. We may also be setting aside important information about our experiences, our needs, and what is happening in our lives. Because our feelings are messengers.
Feelings Are Not Problems to Get Rid Of
Think about what your emotions might be communicating:
- When you’re angry, something may have upset you.
- When you’re sad, something may have hurt you or something meaningful may be missing.
- When you’re afraid, you may be sensing uncertainty or a possible threat.
- When you’re uncomfortable, something may not be aligning with your needs, expectations, or values.
This is not to say that our emotions tell us the entire story, because they don’t! Feeling angry doesn’t automatically mean someone else is wrong. Feeling afraid doesn’t necessarily mean something dangerous is happening. But emotions are information worth paying attention to. They tell us that something has impacted us. They give us an opportunity to pause, reflect, and understand what we’re experiencing.
When we ignore those messages, we can lose touch with the very information that might help us make a thoughtful decision. Instead of asking ourselves, “Why am I feeling this way?” we might spend our energy trying to convince ourselves that we shouldn’t feel anything at all. And the more we practice that disconnection, the harder it can become to recognize what we truly need.
What Happens When We Numb Our Feelings to Stay?
Sometimes the reason we ignore our emotions is because caring about them might require us to make a difficult choice.
For example:
- Acknowledging your sadness might mean recognizing that a relationship is hurting you.
- Listening to your discomfort might mean admitting that a situation isn’t sustainable.
- Allowing yourself to feel anger might mean confronting something you’ve been trying to avoid.
If we aren’t’t ready to face something, we push it down. We tell ourselves to be more understanding, make excuses, try to become easier to love, easier to work with, or easier to be around. We might even begin to believe that the only way to remain in a particular relationship or situation is to become someone who doesn’t feel so much.
But when we numb ourselves to stay close to someone, we can end up hurting ourselves—and sometimes the relationship itself. Research has found that habitual emotional suppression in close relationships is associated with personal and interpersonal costs, including lower self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. (That doesn’t mean every moment of emotional restraint is harmful; context matters. But repeatedly hiding what we feel can make genuine connection more difficult.)
A relationship, job, environment, or situation that requires you to consistently disconnect from your emotions deserves your attention. You shouldn’t have to become a version of yourself who feels nothing in order to belong.
When We Listen to Our Feelings, We Can Hear Ourselves More Clearly
Feeling your feelings doesn’t mean letting every emotion dictate your actions. It doesn’t mean reacting immediately, saying everything that comes to mind, or making a major decision in the middle of an overwhelming moment. It means allowing yourself to acknowledge what you’re experiencing instead of pretending it isn’t there. You can feel angry and still choose how to communicate. You can feel sad and give yourself time to understand why. You can feel afraid and consider whether the fear is pointing toward something that needs attention.
Sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is pause and ask ourselves:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What happened that brought this feeling up?
- What might this emotion be telling me?
- What do I need to understand before I decide what to do?
These questions create space between the emotion and our response. And in that space, we can begin to understand ourselves more clearly. If it helps, you can grab a journal and write your answers down to return to and reflect on.
When we are connected to what we feel, we have more information to consider. We can make choices that reflect our needs, values, and experiences rather than making decisions solely to avoid discomfort or keep someone else happy. And that’s emotional awareness. It’s about understanding our feelings well enough to respond with intention.
Psychological research also highlights what happens when we suppress our emotional responses. It can increase the activation of our cardiovascular system. In other words, while suppression hides our outward expression it doesn’t necessarily change our inward experience. In fact, it can make the emotional experience feel even more intense, since you’re working to conceal what you’re feeling rather than process it.
You Don’t Have to Abandon Yourself to Stay
It’s worth asking yourself: What am I giving up in order to remain here? Are you ignoring your discomfort because you don’t want to upset someone? Are you pretending to be okay when you’re not? Are you staying in a relationship, job, or environment that requires you to repeatedly silence your needs?
Sometimes, we become so focused on preserving a connection that we forget we are part of that connection, too. Our feelings matter. Our experiences matter. Our needs matter. If a person, place, or situation consistently requires you to abandon those parts of yourself, it may be asking more of you than is healthy or sustainable.
That doesn’t mean every uncomfortable situation is automatically wrong for us. Growth can be uncomfortable. Difficult conversations can be uncomfortable. Relationships require compromise, and sometimes we need to work through challenging emotions rather than immediately walking away. But there is a difference between experiencing discomfort while growing and repeatedly silencing yourself to remain somewhere.
You deserve to have a relationship with yourself that isn’t dependent on someone else’s approval. And you deserve to make decisions with your own emotional experience included in the conversation. And if someone or something doesn’t it care for your emotional experience, that’s when it’s worth evaluating your level of involvement with it.
Feel Your Feelings: A Poem From Hearts Bruise Never Break
Sometimes, poetry can help us recognize an emotion we’ve been feeling. It can give us words for something we haven’t been able to explain. It can reflect an experience back to us and remind us that we’re not the only ones who have felt this way.
castaway
i placed my feelings in a jar.
when they were bottled up
i threw them out to sea
to stay by your side.
(i’ve always heard people
get lost at sea.
i didn’t realize they could
get lost on land, too.)
About Hearts Bruise Never Break and More Resources
This poem comes from Hearts Bruise Never Break by Ryanna Hammond, a poetry collection written for those navigating the emotional aftermath of toxic romantic relationships. It’s for anyone who has struggled to understand what they’ve been through, replayed memories in their mind, or wished they could find the words to describe what they feel.
Hearts Bruise Never Break is on our website or on Amazon. And if you’re looking for poetry that offers reflection and healing beyond heartbreak, I’d also recommend My Cup of Coffee—a collection for readers who connect with poetry that explores beyond romance, to life, emotions, and the human experience.
You can find more poetry and reflections on the All With Heart Blog where the focus is on making space for self-expression, reflection, and living with greater intention.
If you have any questions or want support in your self-development journey, feel free to email us itsallwithheart@gmail.com or explore our journaling workshops and coaching programs. You can also check out our additional, free resources like our Spotify Podcast, our Founder's Instagram Page, and our Youtube Channel.
With love and pumping blood,
The Heartbeat